Losing myself…

Please be aware that some may find this post upsetting.  It is about postnatal depression.  Please don’t read if you are sensitive to such issues.  Please feel free to comment.  I just needed to get these feelings out.

I did that thing… the thing I promised myself that I would never do…I had a baby to save my relationship.  Well, not quite.  I thought my chances of having children were extremely slim – or so I had been told.  Coming off the pill just seemed a natural thing to do… I wanted to give myself a chance to at least try.  We discussed what would happen if I did get pregnant – he said it would be great!  I’m not so sure that he truly meant it, I think he really thought that it would never happen.  He was just trying to make me happy.  Nine days later I am pregnant.

Our situation is not the best.  He has an alcohol addiction and has only just got a job after nine months unemployment.  We are skint and he has thousands of pounds worth of debt, twenty-seven to be exact.  I am not coping with his drinking at all.  I am depressed.  What on Earth was I thinking?  Did I actually think having a baby would stop him drinking?  Maybe I just didn’t think it would happen either…maybe I just didn’t think.  Depression does strange things to you.

The pregnancy is going well.  I’m feeling and looking great.  Everyone around us is so excited and pleased as they knew that this baby was my little miracle.  Pregnancy is suiting me – everyone says so.  I feel great.  My hopes are raised, maybe everything is going to be okay after all.  I am eating healthily.  I follow all the advice written in books.  I read so many books!  I feel knowledgeable and capable.  Everyone tells me I’m going to be a great Mum.  I believe them.  I feel great.  Even he is excited.

I’m eight months now, I’m on maternity leave. I’m home alone – too much time to think… that feeling deep inside, a sinking feeling.  Something not quite right.  I don’t tell anyone – I can cope.  He’s never home – working or at the pub.  Feeling isolated.  I’m anxious, I can’t sleep – just the baby moving around a lot.  I can cope.

I wake early morning.  Contractions…horrendous pain.  Something not quite right.  I tell him I’m fine as he seems concerned.  He goes back to sleep.  I run a bath and try to relax.  The pain comes and goes.  I notice that I’m bleeding a little – I don’t say anything, I’m scared.  A few hours later I wake him – the pain is much worse, the bleeding increased.  He calls the hospital – they tell me to come in immediately.

They tell me baby is fine and on its way.  The bleeding caused by an infection.  Baby is two weeks overdue.  The pain is like nothing I’ve experienced.  I’m told there are complications, I’m not pushing effectively.  They have to help her out – but the cord is around the neck.  They have to be quick.  I’m using too much gas and air – they take it away.  I feel calm.  Weird feeling.  Baby Is out and fine, I hold her for a second – I don’t feel anything… I should feel something.  I’m rushed straight into surgery.

I’m on the labour ward, Daddy is already there.  He has dressed the baby – they are bonding.  I hold the baby – she looks deep into my eyes – she is beautiful – we name her.  I don’t feel anything yet, I cry.  Daddy looks at the nurse – she tells him it’s normal – I’ve been through a lot.  I feel like I’m not in the room.

I hold the baby all night, she won’t sleep.  I had an epidural for surgery, I can’t get out of bed, my buzzer Isn’t working.  I tell the nurse doing rounds – she says she’ll fix it – nothing is done.  I cry all night – baby stares at me like she knows something’s wrong.  Such beautiful big blue eyes.  I cry all night – the nurses say nothing.  It must be normal to feel this way…

We bring baby home.  Everything is well.  I feel a bit better.  Friends and family are visiting a lot so I pretend everything’s great.  I cry a bit – everyone says that it’s baby blues.  The Health visitors come and go, I carry on pretending.  They don’t notice anything is wrong.  The visits die down.  Proud Daddy goes back to work. I’m alone with baby.  Baby stares at me with those big blue eyes – she knows.

Daddy throws himself back into work.  He does a lot of ‘wetting the babies head’.  I barely see him.  Some days I’m in tears when he gets home.  He looks worried but doesn’t know what to do.  I tell him I’m tired – baby doesn’t sleep.  Daddy takes baby from me, walks around a while, she falls straight to sleep.  I cry a bit more.  He doesn’t know what to do.

Daddy thinks baby is Mummy’s job.  Daddy’s life has returned to normal.  He doesn’t help much.  It’s my fault, I’ve alienated him, told him he wasn’t doing things properly.  Kept criticizing.  I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t cope.    I can’t blame him but I resent him anyway and blame everything on his drinking (which wasn’t helping).

Things are starting to get better, baby is easier now that she is older. I’m enjoying it.  Of course, it is time for me to return to work.  Sod’s law.  I tell everyone how great it was, how much I enjoyed it.  I lie.

I feel like I missed out on something special, something that should of been cherished.  I blamed him and his drinking – it didn’t help.   Maybe it wasn’t his fault.  I blame him anyway – I can’t help it.  I lost myself.

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20 thoughts on “Losing myself…

  1. I can’t leave without saying something, but I have no idea what to say. beautiful and sensitive come to mind speechless does as well. 🙂
    I feel stupid saying thank you for sharing that, but thank you for sharing that ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. I was worried how it would come across. Some people would find it hard to understand feelings like that. I hope it helps other people experiencing similar. It needs to be spoken about more. I know too many people who feel so guilty for feelings they can’t control. X

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my dear, dear, dear Patch. I felt like I was right there with you while reading this and has my eyes filled with tears so my soul filled with the deepest sense of ache for you. You wrote this in such a raw and real way and I do commend you for it! I wish that I could reach through this computer and hug you. I won’t pretend to know exactly what you are feeling, but I know something like it. It is with a heavy heart that I send you much love, a handful of light and a slice of thanks for being brave enough to be so forthcoming with your innermost thoughts.

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  3. I had the same issue with my second child, I did not like him every much at all. He cried for 6 solid months (my spouse worked out of town, drunk on weekends), I KNOW WHERE YOU’RE COMING FROM. The high side is that he (my baby) was my best buddy, and turned out to be a hell of a man. Hang in there!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It happened with my first child and a wrong partner but mine was a dead beat. I remember coping all by myself and made a decision to leave for my shake and my child. Your story put me back a little but it is beautifully written. Things will always get better.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Maybe it’s not over yet? You do have a lot of support right here, if you need. Look at all the emotion you raised with your story, all the support that is right here, in case you would need it in the future. You’re a brave girl.

    I can relate to some of this. I accidentally got pregnant with a very new boyfriend. We lived in different countries. I decided to move to his country. He left me alone all the time, working, hanging out with his friends in other cities, forgot me for days (sometimes weeks,) went on party trips etc.. I was looking forward to having a baby, very much, but I’ve never felt so lonely. After I had the baby it was the same thing. My girl is wonderful. Life take unexpected turns sometimes. I did have some of the feelings you describe. For a long time. I never told anyone. You did right by getting it out.

    Hang in there girl!

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    1. Thanks. My daughter is 5 now. When I went back to work I was already 5 months pregnant with my second child so that will be the second installment of the series. My third installment is how it effects us now and how I dealt with those feelings. X

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  6. This was amazing. I think it’s such an important thing to talk about; I am sure several of my friends have been through post-partum depression but it seems to be almost a taboo subject for some reason. Thank you for raising awareness and being willing to be open and raw.

    Liked by 1 person

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